Chamomile
by IntravenousDollhouse
Summary: 'There was an odd feeling budding within my stomach as I listened to Dojima's soft conversation.' Adachi is forced to confront his guilt as he enjoys a peaceful dinner in the Dojima household. Rated T just in case.
1. Chapter 1

Chamomile:

The room was warm. It smelled like a mixture of scents I recognized from the summers that I had spent with my father during my childhood. Cigarette smoke - the cheaper, acrid cigarettes - was the undertone. Then there was the smell of vanilla air-freshener, and the smells of freshly prepared yellow curry. Overlaid upon that was a smell that I never would have associated with my childhood. The smell of Dojima's cologne. He had a bottle of that expensive, clean, spicy stuff. He didn't but it himself. I knew it had been a gift from his deceased wife. He seldom wore it; only a drop, and only on the days when he felt like he needed a sense of her presence the most.

He'd worn it to the station today. It was barely detectable, and no one else would have noticed it save for his daughter maybe. I always noted the variations in my partner. I find him interesting, somehow. It was clear that he'd worn the cologne due to a heightened sensation of loneliness. His eyes were just that slight bit darker than usual. That sweet, murky sable color that I truly appreciated. That no one else could ever appreciate in quite the same way.

He was shy when he'd asked me to dinner; that was a more obvious sign of his distress. Dojima was seldom shy around me. More often he donned that irritating, commanding tone of voice that I was accustomed to hearing from my superiors. I felt a surge of pleasure in witnessing his discomfort. It was intoxicating, his vulnerability to me. I think that's why I agreed to having dinner at his house with his young daughter and his insolent nephew. I remembered to slip into my guise of "harmless incompetent" before speaking.

'Yeah, Dojima-San. I mean, I'd love to! I-is everything alright?'

His eyes flashed a livelier shade for a brief moment; I took the emotion for surprise. He didn't consider me to be the observant type. He shook it off.

'Mmm, nothing's wrong. I'm just a little tired is all. Anyways, I'll meet you outside after work and we'll drive down together if that's alright with you.'

I gave him a considerate nod and a soft smile before leaving to fetch him some coffee. Always the eager-to-please younger partner. His expression was gentle as he met me outside the station that evening.

Dojima's home held a unique atmosphere for me. I hadn't counted on recalling my past experiences through the homey scents embedded in his furniture and walls, for one thing. For another, I was perturbed by the concept of him using me as a half-assed replacement for his wife's company. Still, I knew his nephew's cooking to be of considerable quality from the boxed lunches he occasionally left for Dojima at the station on days when the man had clearly forgotten to pack food as he hastily left for work. Dojima was a generous person, and he barely ever had a real appetite.

They had set up the kotatsu, and it warmed my feet as I stood near the table waiting for Nanako to come downstairs. Dojima smiled fondly as Souji stirred a pot of the thick, savory curry. The boy's face was plain and amiable, as per usual. I could tell he felt a genuine joy in his task.

'I told Nanako that we'd all sit down and have a real dinner together tonight, and she wanted to wear the dress that Souji bought for her. She should be down in a couple minutes.'

I chuckled in a friendly manner and nodded my understanding. There was an odd feeling budding within my stomach as I listened to Dojima's soft conversation.

Nanako walked down the stairs slowly, and shyly. She seemed to want to keep her eyes from meeting mine directly. I smiled at her, and looked away quickly to make her feel more comfortable. Kids never seemed to like me much, and I figured it would be best if I didn't do anything to rouse her suspicions.

When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she immediately wandered over to where Souji was standing. He put the spoon he was stirring with down on an unlit ring and ruffled her hair, mussing up the pigtails considerably. She frowned and pushed his hand away before her own expression morphed into a giggly, pleasant one. I wasn't sure what to make of their interaction. Was Souji happy because she was wearing the dress he'd bought her? It was kind of a ridiculous frock, with all that baby pink. Still, maybe he was glad because it was a symbol of his familial possession of her?

'Ah, so that's the dress! It looks nice.' Dojima had a fond look in his eyes, but beneath that something more interesting was happening. Beneath that I could see...guilt?

'I went to Junes with Souji and his friends! Rise said it looked good.' Nanako was clearly trying to hold back a massive smile as she recalled her outing with that boy and his annoying friends.

'It does look good! Doesn't it, Adachi?' Oh, that's right, I was supposed to participate in their conversations.

'Yeah, it looks great!' I nodded. Souji looked at me then, and I thought he'd finally call me out for being the culprit behind his recent trials - a paranoid thought. However, a soft smile was given to me as a sign of genuine appreciation instead.

He really was an idiot.

It was because I was here, and doing this favor for Dojima that Souji was showing me his open gratitude. He knew the man was desperately lonely and that even his small, sweet daughter couldn't fill those darker places inside of him. He thought that I was trying to; at least by being a good friend. It was nearly comical.

We all moved to sit around the small table. Nanako turned the volume down on the television but clearly didn't want to turn it off altogether. I had the distinct impression that it was the comforting background noises of familiar programs and commercials that kept her from complete depression on those nights that Dojima came home late. No one told her to switch it off. There was an odd ache in my stomach that didn't feel quite like hunger. However, there was nothing else it could have been so I forced it to the back of my mind.


	2. Chapter 2

Chamomile Part Two:

Souji dipped a long, black ladle into the steaming yellow curry and served each of our plates with a generous portion while Dojima coaxed Nanako into elaborating on her day. The quiet boy made brief eye contact with me as Nanako spoke, and that subtle thankfulness was once again gently channeled to me through his sweet, shy gaze. An expression like that would have once irritated me. This boy didn't know me. He didn't understand my intentions; he didn't understand true and pointless self-indulgence or apathy or even genuine cruelty. His friends were always searching for an answer or something. As though the world needed a reason to be cold. It was infuriating.

Despite this, instead of the usual anger and resentment I would have felt towards him - had once felt towards him - I couldn't bring myself to be disgusted by him now. Dojima's cologne was somehow lulling me into a relaxed state; Nanako's pigtails were shiny and caught the dim glow of the lights as she dipped her head down to catch a falling piece of curry-stained rice from her titled fork; Souji was smiling softly at whatever Dojima was talking about...and I just couldn't bring myself to hate it. I couldn't bring myself to hate any of them as I would have previously for their ignorance.

'I just realized I've never really asked you what your school life was like, Adachi. Nanako and Souji are always telling me things that make it sound so different than how I remember it.'

I jolted a bit at the sound of my name, and fortunately no one seemed to notice. I considered his statement for a moment. School life had been...boring. Full of all the impotent boys and lifeless bitches that reminded me of my parents.

'Oh, it was average, you know? Just public schooling.' I chuckled.

'What subjects did you take? Do you even remember?' He smiled in a friendly, teasing way.

'Hey now! I'm younger than you, if you recall.' I grinned.

'And I do remember what I took in high school. I took sports-med and band along with all the core subjects. What about you Dojima-San?'

'Band? Really? I didn't even know you played an instrument. Oh, and I took phys-ed and history as my optional courses.'

'I play the clarinet - badly - and I'm not surprised to hear you took history. I can kinda picture that for some reason.' Dojima smiled at that.

I had lied. In school, I had taken phys-ed and art. Both courses had instigated situations which led me to periodic suspensions throughout the year.

'How about you two, Nanako? Souji?'

'I like math the best.' Nanako beamed.

Souji shrugged. 'I'm in drama.'

Something regarding his body language when he had spoken suggested to me that going to drama made him tired. I suspected he was having difficulty balancing his school life with his extracurricular activities. Again, the concept did not arouse my anger. Rather, I couldn't help but start to focus on the details in his appearance. Souji had bags under his eyes, and his skin was slightly pallid. His shoulders were hunched, as though he were protecting his core. I began to wonder what his experiences in the TV were really like.


	3. Chapter 3

Chamomile Part Three:

Dinner was peaceful. I noticed that Dojima had avoided purchasing beer and had instead chosen a fairly nice, simple sake to add to the table. I sipped the lukewarm fluid in between bites of curry and wasn't sure how I felt about the spice and alcohol mixing together to make my mouth sting.

'Hey, Nanako, I bought some of those sweet pears that you like.' Dojima grinned as his daughters smile lit her young face.

'After dinner we can all have one. I have a couple extras as well that you two can take to school this week.'

I watched Souji's face both closely and surreptitiously. I wondered what he brought with him into the television. Was there anything that he could acquire that would truly alleviate the symptoms of exposure to the fog and shadows? I doubted it. I knew he purchased unusual amounts of antibiotics, alternative medicines, and other miscellaneous objects that no teenager should have ever had to budget for, on an almost daily basis. I had been paying attention to his visits to the various shops around town.

His shoulders were always tense; he held them tighter than he needed to. His hair and clothes were neat - meticulously so - but that only suggested that he was careful to hide his real state of exhaustion and sickness to his family and friends. I suspected that Nanako, being an observant child, was slightly aware of Souji's compromised well-being. Though, for all her powers of perception, she wouldn't even be able to sympathize with half of what that boy had to be going through.

I swallowed my next bite of curry and found that my throat felt thick. I forced the food past that feeling and took a larger sip of sake to wash it away. The sake was harder to put back down after I'd taken it up.

'-So, thanks.' Dojima looked at me with a warm expression on his face. I knew he'd been speaking to me but I hadn't caught the previous part of his statement.

'Oh! Don't thank me, Dojima-San.' I feigned shyness.

'Nah, I'm really grateful to you for picking up some of the slack. It can get hard to balance work with home life, you know?'

'Yeah, for sure.' I chuckled as though I could relate.

We finished our curry, enjoying simple bits of conversation while we ate. Dojima rose from his seat and wandered into the kitchen to grab the pears he'd purchased. Nanako's attention was briefly fixed on the television as some children's program came on and during that moment, Souji turned his full attention to me.

'Adachi-San...'

'Mm?' I smiled questioningly at him through a sip of sake.

'Thank-you.'

I placed the cup of sake down gently. 'What do you need to thank me for?' I widened my eyes slightly.

'You cheer him up.' Souji had his hand placed on my shoulder and his eyes were sweet, and genuine. He sat back as Dojima returned.

The night had been both strange and pleasant. The curry had been delicious. Souji wasn't suspicious of my intentions in the slightest. Dojima was nice to talk to, and he was honestly happy to share his family's company with me. Nanako had a lighthearted disposition that she wasn't always blessed with, and I felt warm and welcome.

The pears were supposed to be sweet.

Nanako commented on it, Souji ate his with abandon, Dojima savored his bites - but mine.

Mine was somehow bitter.


End file.
